I don't know why but the last couple weeks I have missing Brian sooo much! It's one of the most terrible feelings I have ever felt. I feel like a part of me is missing.. and I just want it back. Brian is serving a mission in Tuscon, Arizona.

He just hit his 5 month mark a couple weeks ago. 5 months.. I know, that's nothing right? He still has so much more to go.. but it feels like he's been out for years. When he first left I was a total and complete mess. The first night was the worst.. I think I got a total of like 2 hours of sleep cuz I just couldn't stop crying. The next few weeks went about the same.. I felt like a zombie walking around. I didn't care about doing my hair or my makeup. Showering was a total waste of time. (joke) But it was weird, I just stopped caring about most things. Don't get me wrong I wasn't this emo depressed girl who walked around with streaming lines of mascara or anything like that. I probably looked the exact same to someone who doesn't really know me. Getting Brian's first letter from the MTC was just about the greatest thing ever! haha I got the same feeling as I would on like Christmas morning! There was nothing I wanted more then to just hear from him. Writing became a daily thing for us, we were so used to texting each other EVERY DAY for the last THREE YEARS that our letters started to feel like reeeeally long texts haha! We'd just tell each other every part of our days. It almost felt like he was here with me, and I with him. It's weird though, time felt like it was going in slow motion. Days felt like weeks and weeks felt like years.

I guess you could say I sorta started dating. Bad move on my part.. Well in some ways. In someways, dating just made me realize how amazing Brian is and how much I care for him. He's honestly the greatest guy I have ever met and so far I haven't met a boy who can even compare. On the bad side it just made me miss Brian even more. II also started to feel guilty about dating the LAST thing I ever want to do is hurt Brian and I know if I dated someone it would. Don't get me wrong it's not like I lock myself up in my room on the weekends listening to sad Avril songs. I still go out and have fun with my friends. Right now I am officially not dating anyone right because I just feel it's a waste of time. Most boys are douche bags. (pardon my french...) If someone worth dating comes along, I'll give it a shot. I'm not opposed to dating new people or anything like that just no one has struck my fancy. People always rag on me about how lame it is to "wait". But honestly I don't care, I'm doing what feels right. Who knows maybe Brian will come home and we'll date and get married and live happily ever after or maybe I haven't met the person I'm supposed to be with. I don't feel like anyone should live trying to stop something from happening. What is supposed to be will be. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

"It's not about knowing what your future holds, it's about knowing who holds your future"